Gladys

Rabbits? Jeez, they’re cute. Or kittens? And there’s this one with little pigs sucking their mother’s tits.

I’m choosing a card for me doctor, see. No, not ‘cause it’s his birthday or nothing. He’s just nice. Dr Frankl. He’s a spunk! Not really. I just said that. He’s funny though – wears old fashioned clothes ‘cause he’s from Europe or somewhere. And Sister Barton likes him.

She’s so la-de-da but she always says, ‘Are you all right, Dr Frankl? Got everything you want, dear?’

And he’s about forty and looks like a bleedin’ rabbit hisself. Clever though. Moves his hands around when he talks to ya. You can tell he’s brainy. You know. How doctors do. And he likes me.

I need a good doctor, I reckon, ‘cause I’m a psytriachric case. Yeah, well I’m better than I was. I used to be terrible. I’m not that bad now, but I still got me worries though. I can’t help meself – I worry a lot. Look, what’s the worst thing you could think of doing? Poisoning little babies, isn’t it? That must be the worst thing, and that’s me biggest worry. Well, milk, really. Milk’s me actual problem. I can’t look at milk. If I see milk, I think I’ve put poison in it. I can’t help meself. I think, ‘Maybe I done it. Maybe I put poison in that milk.’ And I worry.

They’re used to me now, where we live. They know if I see the milk I won’t let ‘em drink it. Jeez, they used to get mad though, even if I paid for it. But it’s all right now, if I don’t see it. If I see it, I make ‘em pour it out still. Only if I haven’t, I know it’s all right – I can’t have poisoned it, can I? If I haven’t seen it? So everyone hides the bloody milk quick. They’re that used to me now, where we live.

Dr Frankl knows too. He knows I can’t help it. He said so. ‘You can’t help yourself, Mrs Finn,’ he said, ‘ That’s a special kind of worry,’ And he give me pills.

Everyone’s give me pills. So did he. Bloody pills.

And he said I should worry about me weight instead, and make the most of meself, ‘cause I’m too fat. ‘You’re your own worst enemy there,’ he said.

‘Jeez, you’re right,’ I said.

Then, one day I asked him about Jim. I’ve seen a lot of doctors but I’ve never said nothing about that before. I know Jim can’t help hisself neither.

I blame Jim’s mother. God, she’s terrible! Ya know, when we was going together, before we was married, he asked me home to meet his mother. And d’ya know what she done? She cooked tea and she put some on a plate for him and some for her, and then they say down and started eating it.

‘Where’s mine?’ I said.

‘Oh, I ain’t cooked none for you,’ she said.

I couldn’t fucking believe it. And Jim didn’t say nothing. Not against his Mum, he wouldn’t. Never. That’s why I blame her. For making him quiet like he is.

I never liked her. I still don’t.

Anyway, I said to Dr Frankl, ‘Could it be Jim as makes me worry? ‘Cause he’s sexually impotent, see? I never told no-one before, but could that be what does it?’

‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ he said, he was embarrassed ‘cause of what I asked him.

But he’s nice really, so after a bit he said, ‘Why don’t you bring Jim along with you, to see me next time?’

Well, I knew that wouldn’t be too good, only he was trying to help.

‘All right,’ I said.

Jim wasn’t pleased though. Not too pleased at all, but I made him come.

‘Me doctor said you’ve got to,’ I told him.

And d’ya know what he said to Dr Frankl? As soon as we walked in there, before he even said hullo or nothing, he said, ‘I’m very sorry, doctor. I’ll try harder.’

‘Ya wimp! You always say that,’ I said.

But Dr Frankl felt sorry for him. You leave us to have a talk on our own, Gladys,’ he said.

So I left them, and they talked for a while, and I felt sorry for Jim too, when I thought about it.

Then I went back in, and Dr Frankl said, ‘Sex doesn’t matter that much, Galdys. As long as ya love each other, that’s the main thing. And that’s not why you’re not well.’

So that was a disappointment for me. And he’d know, wouldn’t he? Only I felt disappointed. Bloody doctors! What good are they?

So d’ya know what I do for meself? What really makes me feel better when I’m down? D’ya know what I do?

I lock meself in me bathroom at home. Then I have a hot bath. Then I get out and climb on the wicker basket so I can see me whole self in the mirror. We got a light over our bathroom mirror, so I don’t have the big light on. I like to see meself just be that mirror light. And I look lovely, I reckon. It’s steamy, and I’m all hot and pink and soapy. I like being fat, too. I look at me big, pink tits and put me arms up over me head – ooh de la de da – ooh de la de da – and when I shut me eyes, d’ya know what? I start floating. The wicker basket don’t hurt me feet now, ‘cause I’m floating, see.

And, d’ya know what else? Me tits feel like they’re growing, and I’ve got more tits. I got hundreds of tits with, like, little babies hanging on ‘em. I can feel all their little mouths tugging on all me tits, and I’m floating, and there’s light around me.

Only one time the basket give way, and I fell off.

I could’ve killed meself. Well I hurt me shoulder bad, but I didn’t tell no-one how I done it, not even Dr Frankl.

I got Dr Frankl to have a look at it next visit. But he didn’t know what to do. He knows about ya nerves, and he works at a hospital, but he doesn’t know nothing about your body, he told me. So he writ me a letter so I could see Dr Tanner there. And a form to have a X-ray. Only that was on the Tuesday, and the X-ray was Wednesday, and Dr Tanner was Friday, so the bleedin’ taxi fares cost me fifty dollars, and I hadn’t even had no treatment yet.

They was real busy at Dr Tanner’s clinic too.

‘Next one!’

‘Who’s next?’

‘In ya go,’

Then I heard me name called, and it was my turn.

‘Here’s ya notes, Mrs Finn,’ they said. ‘Would ya take ‘em in with you, please.’

But it was just a new folder, and I’ve been going to that hospital for bloody years.

So I was thinking, ‘They don’t know what they’re doing here,’ and then I seen him, Dr Tanner, when I got in there, sitting behind his desk.

God, he was gorgeous. More like a footy player than a doctor. He had the letter from Dr Frankl and he read it in one second then put it in the folder I give him.

‘You’re the painful shoulder, are you?’

‘Yeah. Gladys Finn. Glad-arse,’ I told him like that, and winked.

But he was real serious. ‘Where’s your X-ray?’

‘I dunno.’

How would I know. They never give ya your X-ray y’self.

So he stood up. ‘Nurse!’ he yelled, ‘I want Mrs Finn’s X-ray in here!’

I couldn’t help meself, me eyes went straight to the front of his trousers. Well, he’s be sizing me up, wouldn’t he? Only he was wearing a suit, and in them kind of trousers ya can’t see what’s inside anyway. Nice material though.

‘Show me where it hurts,’ he said.

Then he was coming round the desk to examine me. Shit!

He stood behind me and felt along me shoulder without saying nothing. It did hurt a bit. He pressed hard on the bone, but I didn’t care. Then he made me move me arm up and down, and that hurt too.

‘The X-ray!’ He was shouting again, and the nurse come in and give it to him, a bit cross about it.

He yanked the thing out of the brown envelope and shoved it up on the screen on the wall. He was so tall he had to bend his knees to look at it straight.

I was looking at him, though, not the X-ray. Well I told ya he was gorgeous. He kept clenching his teeth as he examined me bones.

Then it bloody happened. The tea lady come in and poured him a cup of tea with milk in it, right before me eyes. I tried me hardest not to look, but, o’ course, I started to think straight away it might be poisoned. Probably it was all right, but I knew I coulda poisoned it. And what if I had? Me heart started thumping. I couldn’t let Dr Tanner drink it, could I?

‘I’m thirsty,’ I said real quick. ‘ I think I’ll have the cup of tea.’

He looked at me hard.’ That’s my tea, Mrs Finn,’ he said. ‘Patients have to pay for their tea at the kiosk.’

‘But could I have this one?’ I said. ‘I’m really thirsty. Please could I have it?’

‘No,’ he said.

‘Well, let me have a sip of it.’

‘No,’ he said.

I was thinking, ‘Let me die, not you,’ so I asked him again. ‘Please …’

No, you can’t have it!’ He started to get mad. Then he sat down and started writing.

I was desperate. I reached out and knocked it over. I meant it to go on the floor, but it went straight onto him.

Hell, he was angry. ‘You did that on purpose!’ he yelled. ‘You get out of here!’ He sounded like a bloody dog barking.

So I started to run. I ran out of the office, and the waiting room, and down the corridor, and down the stairs, and more stairs, and I was bloody nearly dying from running, till I got to Dr Frankl’s office. And I ran straight in there, puffing and crying and shaking at the same time.

‘Fancy seeing you here today,’ Dr Frankl said.

‘Oh, God!’ I said and told him what had happened. And d’ya know what? He started to laugh.

‘He’s fucking laughing at me!’ I thought.

But he kept on. And d’ya know what he did then? He come round his desk and he kissed me. Shit! Even though he’s so shy. I couldn’t believe it.

And it was funny really, when I thought about it, so I started to laugh too.

Sister Barton didn’t know what we was hooting about. ‘Just look at you two,’ she said.

And that’s why I’m buying him a card. This one. All covered with pink rosebuds.